A Knight's Tale

I have noticed, more now than before, that even with the amount of talking I do that nothing is really said. At least, nothing is said that really goes through my mind. I don't mean to say that I am lying or saying something contrary to what I am thinking. I am merely saying that what I am really thinking stays hidden, silent, buried deep so as not to expose my innermost desires and fears to the world to be discovered and exploited, taken advantage of. I believe that I often confuse those around me with this trait. Most of what I want to say is so hidden that when I do say something that has been festering or hiding then I often confuse and even anger the people to whom I share such thoughts.

However, there are certain people who can tell when such things are beneath the surface just waiting to be released, to be shared. I know someone, someone very special to me, who i think becomes rather bothered by my silence, though I am not so sure that this person would like to hear what I have to say. They can read me like a book. However, that book might as well be written in another language as they can't really tell what it is that is running through my mind.

Thus, "The Sound of Silence." How often do we speak without uttering a word? I would feel confident in saying that the majority of what I say is only a small percentage of that which is really in my heart. I keep things hidden out of fear. My apprehension to share such things is what keeps me from humiliation, embarrassment, and oftentimes sorrow. Silence is how I keep safe. It is my protection from the things that most frighten me. It shelters me from potential loss. But it also deprives me of the opportunity to share the deepest, most sincere part of with those whom I love. It shrouds my true form, my true identity, my whole self from those with whom my thoughts should most be shared. In short, silence is such a good defense mechanism that it keeps those with whom I would love to be closest out of the parts of me which I fear to be discovered and possibly rejected.

So, what is it that really chases people away? I wrote last about the missing part of me. I thought that maybe there was something missing, something that was just not quite there completely so as to attract people to me. I believe that a large part of that is my silence. So much that is missing in my personality, in my relationships, is what I keep beneath the surface. My fear, my apprehension is what is causing that part to stay hidden. So, after such a discovery I have decided to share the greatest part of me with the world, or at least with a few people. I can no longer force people to guess or use their imaginations about me. I can no longer force others to endure that deafening sound. The sound of silence.