A Knight's Tale

I assumed that when I began this blog that it would be more popular than it has been. Of course, not many people know about it, and I am sure that not many people are too fond of me, either. However, I write on, because this blog is not about popularity. It's about, well, me!

Today I was really trying to think of material to write about, but the more I thought the less material I ended up with. So, I decided to just concentrate on the wonder in my life; the wonder of every little situation, every gesture and interaction between regular people. By doing so, I have found much more to write about for not only my own but also your enjoyment. Hence...

I had a realization today that I thought would bring a lot of closure to what I like to call the anti-happy situation I put myself in about six months ago. However, as I came to said realization I became even more anti-happy. Now, I vowed that when I began this blog experience that I would not become all depressed and emotional and write about my feelings. So, please do not mistake my writing for negative feelings or a lack thereof. My writing simply consists of realizations and epiphanic moments of enlightenment. So, bear with me and keep your minds open, and I promise that you will not be disappointed. So, back to it. I had this realization today that there is something that I wanted so dearly that I was blinded by the fact that there are certain things in life that cannot be controlled. I was so consumed by what I thought I wanted, so taken with the thought of obtaining the prize at the end of the race that I did not realize the consequences that obtaining my ultimate goal would carry. I think that today was a huge step to escape a very long and extremely painful ordeal. I realized that I can finally let go of that which I want most. I can finally rid myself of the feelings that for so long kept me from reaching other goals and reaping other rewards. I can finally concentrate on the one thing that is REALLY missing: Me. I thought that I needed another person to complete me, and it was that thinking that kept me from seeing the truth. Don't get me wrong. I would love to have gotten what I wanted. I think I would be very happy. I know it. However, there is just something about me that isn't good enough, and that is how I came to my realization. I realized that I was not desirable, and although everything else about me was desirable, I was still missing that part of me that now seems so essential to fully complete, well, myself.

Now, the hard part is finding what part that is that I am missing. However, I am a firm believer that despite how bad or difficult life may become that it is a non-stop, no holds barred, adrenaline-fueled thrill ride. In summation, an adventure. And, although I still have to get rid of the anti-happiness...ness, I can look forward to a future full of promise, full of freedom. I have, in a sense, a new lease on life. Corny and clichè. However clichè it may be, it's true. So, things are looking up. I am excited to have a second chance. I am entering another phase of my personal development even more equipped to confront the trials at hand. All of this, the realization, the blog, all of it is one step in what may be the greatest adventure of my life, so far.

I realize that my writing may frustrate some and may be too erratic, but over time I hope to develop my writing to the point of pure fluidity. So, be patient, bear with me, and stay tuned. Next, I will give a detailed background to better explain myself. There is more to come.