A Knight's Tale

I have noticed, more now than before, that even with the amount of talking I do that nothing is really said. At least, nothing is said that really goes through my mind. I don't mean to say that I am lying or saying something contrary to what I am thinking. I am merely saying that what I am really thinking stays hidden, silent, buried deep so as not to expose my innermost desires and fears to the world to be discovered and exploited, taken advantage of. I believe that I often confuse those around me with this trait. Most of what I want to say is so hidden that when I do say something that has been festering or hiding then I often confuse and even anger the people to whom I share such thoughts.

However, there are certain people who can tell when such things are beneath the surface just waiting to be released, to be shared. I know someone, someone very special to me, who i think becomes rather bothered by my silence, though I am not so sure that this person would like to hear what I have to say. They can read me like a book. However, that book might as well be written in another language as they can't really tell what it is that is running through my mind.

Thus, "The Sound of Silence." How often do we speak without uttering a word? I would feel confident in saying that the majority of what I say is only a small percentage of that which is really in my heart. I keep things hidden out of fear. My apprehension to share such things is what keeps me from humiliation, embarrassment, and oftentimes sorrow. Silence is how I keep safe. It is my protection from the things that most frighten me. It shelters me from potential loss. But it also deprives me of the opportunity to share the deepest, most sincere part of with those whom I love. It shrouds my true form, my true identity, my whole self from those with whom my thoughts should most be shared. In short, silence is such a good defense mechanism that it keeps those with whom I would love to be closest out of the parts of me which I fear to be discovered and possibly rejected.

So, what is it that really chases people away? I wrote last about the missing part of me. I thought that maybe there was something missing, something that was just not quite there completely so as to attract people to me. I believe that a large part of that is my silence. So much that is missing in my personality, in my relationships, is what I keep beneath the surface. My fear, my apprehension is what is causing that part to stay hidden. So, after such a discovery I have decided to share the greatest part of me with the world, or at least with a few people. I can no longer force people to guess or use their imaginations about me. I can no longer force others to endure that deafening sound. The sound of silence.

I know I promised that I would give a detailed background to our previous encounter, but today just feels like I need to dig a little deeper into my personal treasure chest of experiences. I had yet another moment of pure enlightenment the other day. I realized that despite all the negativity that I like to call My Move to Utah that I have really grown in some rather noticeable ways. During this time of personal growth I thought that I was simply sliding farther and farther down the rabbit hole. All I could see was the dark, suffocating walls of the winding hole that seemed ever more impossible to climb back to my ideal goal. Or, at least, that is what I thought I wanted. All of my goals have been based off of others' assumptions of what they thought were my ambitions.

Now, it is a different story. To be honest, despite the recent weight of responsibility I feel to step up, I can really see where I have matured and progressed. I no longer see the obstacles in life as obstacles. Rather, I see each trial as an opportunity to shine, to show what I am really made of. The most ironic part is that I already knew these things. I just never really wanted to take responsibility for my own successes or failures. I now have the chance to do some digging. I am giving myself a chance to dig deep inside and not only show myself but also show others what I am really made of.

I know I come from good stock. My father is the most hard-working and honest man I know. He is a source of inspiration despite the fact that I know he feels like I may not listen to him or follow his advice. I was talking to my brother the other day, and we both realized how our dad has influenced us with things that he never really meant to be great lessons. We find ourselves thinking, "Dad would whoop my butt if I did that." He taught me integrity and the importance of loyalty. He taught me that despite what the world will tell me that my integrity and hard work is not for sale. My mother, my rock (an always-ill-with-something-new and fragile rock) is a source of constant encouragement who taught me that no matter what trial or opportunity presents itself that I can rise to the occasion. She consistently reminds me that there is no limit to the amount of love one can have for others. She is the reason my heart is always so large, full, and strong. My family may not have gone through what some have had to endure, but through our trials and challenges the Wrights have always shined.

Now it is my turn to shine. It is my turn to rise the occasion and show what I am made of. I have learned from the examples of great men and women along the road. Right now I feel like there is nothing that I can't do. I would not go so far as to say that I feel invincible, but I most definitely feel like it is time to take control. I read a quote the other day that said, "Stop telling God how big your storms are. Start telling your storms how big your God is." On that note I leave you with this question: What is it in your life that is telling you that you cannot do something? Then stop asking questions. Take action. Take control, and show yourself and those around you what you truly are made of. It may be difficult. Nay, it will definitely seem impossible. I would have to say that if I believe in myself and look to the positive side of things, then I truly am in control of my life and can give it my all with the confidence that I can do anything.

Think it over. Let me know what you find. And as always, stay tuned.

I assumed that when I began this blog that it would be more popular than it has been. Of course, not many people know about it, and I am sure that not many people are too fond of me, either. However, I write on, because this blog is not about popularity. It's about, well, me!

Today I was really trying to think of material to write about, but the more I thought the less material I ended up with. So, I decided to just concentrate on the wonder in my life; the wonder of every little situation, every gesture and interaction between regular people. By doing so, I have found much more to write about for not only my own but also your enjoyment. Hence...

I had a realization today that I thought would bring a lot of closure to what I like to call the anti-happy situation I put myself in about six months ago. However, as I came to said realization I became even more anti-happy. Now, I vowed that when I began this blog experience that I would not become all depressed and emotional and write about my feelings. So, please do not mistake my writing for negative feelings or a lack thereof. My writing simply consists of realizations and epiphanic moments of enlightenment. So, bear with me and keep your minds open, and I promise that you will not be disappointed. So, back to it. I had this realization today that there is something that I wanted so dearly that I was blinded by the fact that there are certain things in life that cannot be controlled. I was so consumed by what I thought I wanted, so taken with the thought of obtaining the prize at the end of the race that I did not realize the consequences that obtaining my ultimate goal would carry. I think that today was a huge step to escape a very long and extremely painful ordeal. I realized that I can finally let go of that which I want most. I can finally rid myself of the feelings that for so long kept me from reaching other goals and reaping other rewards. I can finally concentrate on the one thing that is REALLY missing: Me. I thought that I needed another person to complete me, and it was that thinking that kept me from seeing the truth. Don't get me wrong. I would love to have gotten what I wanted. I think I would be very happy. I know it. However, there is just something about me that isn't good enough, and that is how I came to my realization. I realized that I was not desirable, and although everything else about me was desirable, I was still missing that part of me that now seems so essential to fully complete, well, myself.

Now, the hard part is finding what part that is that I am missing. However, I am a firm believer that despite how bad or difficult life may become that it is a non-stop, no holds barred, adrenaline-fueled thrill ride. In summation, an adventure. And, although I still have to get rid of the anti-happiness...ness, I can look forward to a future full of promise, full of freedom. I have, in a sense, a new lease on life. Corny and clichè. However clichè it may be, it's true. So, things are looking up. I am excited to have a second chance. I am entering another phase of my personal development even more equipped to confront the trials at hand. All of this, the realization, the blog, all of it is one step in what may be the greatest adventure of my life, so far.

I realize that my writing may frustrate some and may be too erratic, but over time I hope to develop my writing to the point of pure fluidity. So, be patient, bear with me, and stay tuned. Next, I will give a detailed background to better explain myself. There is more to come.

BLOG! That's what this is, BLOG! This is just el comienzo, the beginning, of what I hope becomes a long-running account of the adventure that is my mind. I am really excited to finally write some of the things that run through my already crammed and over-stressed brain. Granted, I am not sure what any given blog will contain, but I guarantee that it will be entertaining and/or enlightening. Now, some of what is written will probably not make sense; not to me; not to anyone. However, I believe that this is going to be more fun than that time I flashed the camera on the Jurassic Park water ride at Universal Studios. Man they were pissed. You haven't lived until you have been stopped by Security at Universal Studios.

Anyway, stay tuned. I have a cornucopia of insight, experiences, and tales of pure and awesome randomness.