A Knight's Tale

It's been a long while yet again. It seems I'm destined to bore you to death only once a year now. It's good to be back in the saddle again...again. This has been a very long and difficult road over the last few years. Yet, here I...sit...a better man. Not necessarily a good one but a better one, at least. I won't bore you with all the details, but let's just say that I've learned so much more about myself and others over these last few years that has really softened my heart and opened my eyes. I used to live in so much fear and anxiety that I felt like my life had become a lifetime movie without the sudden happy ending. I realize that in my ignorant and irrational moments in life I have hurt people, and for that I will forever be ashamed. At times I go over those moments at night in my mind thinking of how I've hurt people and lost loved ones or pushed others away. I used to obsess over those moments as if envisioning them again and again would change the outcome. I even went into therapy thinking that I would do whatever it took to make up for what I had done. It was in those sessions that I realized that we can't ever "make up for" something we have done. There is no kissing the booboo, singing it away, or whatever the disillusioned method we may have believed as kids to get rid of the hurt. It seemed that my biggest issue was that I held onto the past too tightly, so much so that it filled my life with regret and shame. The lesson I had to learn was to forgive myself of the wrongs I'd done and let them go and move forward. I learned to recognize the opportunities that I have now to have empathy, gain perspective, show compassion, and love unconditionally those who may, like me, be in need of that helping hand or soothing word. Now in previous posts I talked about my hero complex, and when I started thinking about what I had learned I thought it sounded just like that complex and that I had to start the learning process all over again. But I realized that the context is different now. Somewhere over the last few years there has been a paradigm shift toward clarity. What I have realized now is that though I can't control the choices I've already made or the consequences that followed, that I control what I do with the knowledge and perspective that I have gained now to begin to make the right choices. It's like Gandalf says, "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." Three years ago I made a horrible choice that cost me dearly and many of those I hold most dear had to suffer for it. I let everyone down. And yet, my family has stuck by me and given me strength, support, insight, and a whole lot of patience throughout all of it. They ultimately taught me that the difficult process of changing my head and my heart was worth the sacrifice for them. They taught me patience, understanding, and the value and importance of unconditional love. At any rate I feel so much more confident now about facing the future. I no longer wish to be consumed by the dark cloud of hate, envy, despair, and loneliness that for so long had loomed over me. Nor do I wish for those feelings, should they ever manifest again, to take control of my heart and mind and lead me down unsafe paths again. So for now life is good, finally. I'm happy to be back in good company and to feel the warm sun on my face once more.