A Knight's Tale

That's a good title for this post. Expendability. That is the feeling I have had for some time and one of my deepest fears in life. I fear that one day I will be labeled as expendable by those closest to me.

As the title of the blog suggests (A Knight's Tale), I have what some people inaccurately call a hero complex. I like to look at it as an ability to love. I happen to believe that love is a verb and not a noun, not as a feeling but as an action. It is not only felt but more importantly expressed through action, devotion, compromise, and sacrifice. Therefore, if that is the definition of a hero complex then I am happy to oblige. However, I have felt most recently that I have run my course with those closest to me. I feel like it is time to hang up the cape, to put away the armor. As I have strived to help those around me I have lost that innate ability to reach people when no one esle can, to help other people when others cannot in situations that no one seems to understand. As one with a "hero complex" it is the worst feeling and the lowest to feel and especially realize that you are no longer needed, that your abilities have diminished. I have felt this way increasingly over the last few years. My signal is no longer being lit in the sky to call for the aide that is so desperately needed. I have been ousted from the lineup. I have been pushed far from the hearts of those that until recently called on the one they knew would be there.

As I have seen those that once before called my name in their darkest moments slip away and confront the world alone, I feel helpless, unable to reach out and make my presence known. However, through all of that I have realized that the reason I am no longer needed is not because I am not wanted but mostly that I am no longer that source of strength. As afraid as I am to let go of those I love to face the world and her many trials and hardships, I am comforted to see the strength that is manifest in their expressions, the conviction and fearlessness in their eyes. And it is only then that I am able to see past the feeble humanity that we all carry and see a brave soul, fearless and strong.

As I was having these feelings and certain realizations I also began to discover something even more comforting. My greatest worry for people is that they might feel alone and afraid. So mostly I guess that though I will have to hang up the cape and retire that armor, I at least wanted them to know that I am willing and able to be that source of strength still. However, my realization is this: That though I may not be able to serve as I once did, that those who really trust in me will never feel alone and afraid simply because of the comforting thought that I am not too far away. And though it is difficult for me to realize that even "heroes" need help sometimes, I have come to rely on one man to make up the difference, to be my caped crusader, my armored knight, and my source of constant strength and comfort. And it has made all the difference knowing that He is there.

I realize that this sounds a bit whiney and odd to some, but you would have to know me deeply to understand my desire to do good in the world, to protect the vulnerable, to comfort the burdened and weary. And, though I may not be very good at it I have devoted much of my time and all of my love to those who I hold in my heart. That will never change. My ability to sweep in and fix the situation may be diminished, but my ability to love unconditionally has increased one hundred fold.

An experience I just had through a very special friend taught me that unconditional love is essential to the human experience. I had been so angry for so long that I had forgotten how much I loved her and that no matter what happened or would happen I would always be able to give of that love. I was blinded by my pride and frustration that I could not see past myself and I failed her. Even in the aftermath of the event I have hated myself for forgetting. I let this friend down when I was needed the most. So out of all that has happened and all that I have expressed I have the resolve that I will always be ready and that I will never forget the love I feel for those who I hold closest to my heart. It was sad that such a grand experience had to happen to make me realize it, but now that I know it, I cannot falter.

It's funny how I need those big eye-openers to happen in order for me to get the message. It is as if someone is screaming it in my ear and cramming the feeling into my heart, but I hear nothing and ignore the feeling. It is easy to forget others and move on with our lives without so much as another thought. I personally have so many stresses and overwhelming issues that I have forgotten some of the greatest things about my life: friends, family, etc. Well, recently I had an enlightening conversation with my friend Laura. She reminded me of a very humbling fact. She said, quoting the title of a talk, "Life is a series of a thousand miracles." As I pondered that phrase I began to realize that it holds true in every way. The more I focused on the negative overwhelming issues and problems that life, especially my life, has offered I realized the importance of recognizing the small miracles that happen every day.

Well, this experience with my dear friend and how I felt I let her down has not only made my conviction to love unconditionally stronger but also my reslolution to look at the miracles of everyday. I have an amazing family who I love more deeply than I could ever express and with whom I share a deep and unbreakable bond. I have wonderful friends who put up with my insanity, who try their hardest to love a weak being, and for whom I would give my life. So as I ponder the miracles of my life I can't help but think what a miracle it is to have this friend here now, not to protect and rescue, but to just be there through the bad times and the good ones too. She is my miracle. And I am grateful for her and for that sobering and humbling fact.

In conclusion. The cape is hung up, the armor retired, but my heart is full and open to the opportunities that the future has in store. All I have to do is remember my miracle and the many miracles to follow.

Stay tuned...I'm back and running at full capacity!